Hello! :) As was on the first page; Hi! My name is Jasmine, or Jaz for short! I live in Hawaii, I'm AFAB, 23, I'm an Ares, and my favorite color is blue, though funnily enough, it's not this blue, a darker one, like the ocean. :) I just wanted my page to look 'aesthetically pastel pleasing' or whatever. I dunno. I may change it later.

Some things that are worth knowing, I guess. I have a dog, he's five and his name is Seki. I love him very much. I live on my own, and don't really have friends on my island. I like to play games, my current favorites are Cairn, Minecraft, Dead Space aaand Slay the Spire 2! I'm currently reading through Homestuck, and a couple AO3 fics. I like very loud music, or non lyrical ambient music. ALSO! To note, most if not ALL of the names in this will not be real names, mine included. I don't think anyone that knows ME will actually find this, but I am a bit nervous hahaha.

So I've finally managed to make a site that looks both good and works well. :) I'm very happy about it. Honestly I made this website out of pretty selfish reasons. (besides the whole 'turning it into a diary) It was because one of my ex friend had done it first. I used to make these silly things on google docs, and I was super proud of them. But when they showed me their neocities, it was so pretty and I wanted to try it to! But I couldn't get the hang of it right away, and I got really upset wth myself. Why did I struggle so much and they didn't? Why was it so easy for them to be so good at cool stuff? Neocities is AWESOME, I spend an hour or so just browsing the cites, reading them, looking at how creative people are, and a weird twinge in my heart happens.

I guess it just comes down to a want. A want to be GOOD at things. I want to be good at doing creative things, because I want to be creative. I guess if I really look into myself, it's mostly a "Oh, you just want to be creative without the work" and it's not that, I don't think so. I like to work creatively. It's just---I guess it's that new wrinkle coming in on my brain. Its really frustrating when It doesn't wrinkle fast enough, I guess. Hahah.

I've been struggling with that alot lately; trying to not be so frustrated when I don't know things right away. It's very hard to know things right away, obviously, and I know that. And I know when I do get frustrated and jealous, I self isolate, which just makes me feel a whole lot lonely and then it's this bad icky never ending cycle. I guess it's just difficult. I wonder if it will always be this difficult. I hope not. I guess I don't have much to write about for now. I fear this may just be a LONG looonnggg winded thing about me complaining, but like, who cares? So few people will see this, much less actually read through any of this. A slog.

Since this IS my diary and site, I might as well do what I want with it. I have a partner, and their name is Cooper. They live far away from me,like..thousands and thousands of miles from me, in a different country. LDR for a year and five months! :) And they work very hard, and struggle with their own problems, which I understand.

Just lately..we don't really talk all that much. Some days we don't talk at all! Which scares me, because I really like being around them. They make me feel so stupid and silly and make me feel like it's okay to be the way I am, how I am. It's a really nice feeling. Their employed, and I'm technically employed, but I don't have like, 'regular' hours like a 9-5, so a lot of my time in the day is spent on the computer. And They're like, six hours ahead of me. I dont expect them to be able to call every single day, but I wish they would at least text once everyday. Sometimes there's not even that, and sometimes I feel very silly, when I text them and it stays there for hours or days, unreplied. And I don't want to be clingy and spam them, so I just sit here.

I'm not conventionally attractive by any standard, and this relationship is the first one that I've genuinely felt loved for who I am, and how I look. So I guess I'm just scared that one day they'll see what I see and they'll leave.

BUt then I remember who they are and how they are, and I realize that a lot of my self doubt is...self. I know they love me. They're not the type to say it without meaning it. So. I guess I shouldn't worry all that much.

What a bummer to end my first entry on but! That's it, hahah. :) Have a goodnight/day!